Is This the Bottom?

Let’s see, first base, um, we have no first baseman. I mean, Murphy played the position, and very nicely too for his first time, or any time, but he doesn’t hit like a first sacker. Second base? Well, Luis Castillo is ok, I guess; doesn’t do much with the bat though. Shortstop? Well, nope. We have no shortstop. Jose is hurt and Cora is hurt. At third we have Wright and in center we have old reliable Mr. Beltran.

Who played left and right fields? Argh, who cares? Whoever they were, either Jose Pagan or Ramon Martinez or Church or any one of seemingly countless little guys with bats in their hand. The catchers do nothing either. Castro has been very boring, Schneider’s always hurt. Omir Santos has nothing.

This has got to be the bottom. Even if the Metsies managed to pull this last game out, things would still have been pretty grim. Only the pitchers have made things look respectable, but right now the Oakland A’s or the Giants look like Murderers Row compared to this horrid lineup of pushovers.

Well, it was the Dodgers, I guess, and they have pretty good pitching, to say the least. But things don’t get any better. Now our local heroes head out to Boston. It’ll be Johan Santana against Dice K coming off the DL in the opener and that might be the only possibility of an advantage in that series.

After the opener, hopefully a win, then it’ll be Pelfrey against Beckett and Redding against Wakefield. I can’t wait to see these cream puff Met batters try to hit Wakefield’s knuckler. If the Mets can win one of the three, it’ll be amazing.

Talk radio is driving me crazy too. Nothing like rubbing it in. Nothing like hearing how bad Minaya’s doing and Manuel’s doing ad infinitum. Manuel especially is taking a beating, and he really doesn’t deserve it, not with this lineup. I thought he could have batted Sheffield in the 9th cream puff number nine but, you may have guessed, Sheffield hadn’t taken batting practice as he was not feeling well.

This is excruciating though, I must say. Listening to all these Yankee fans, pretending to be Mets fans, calling in to THE FAN to urge Minaya to pick up Nick Johnson at first base. Nick friggin’ Johnson. The only guy who ever thought Nick Johnson was anything special was Brian Cashman. He was deluded enough to think Johnson was better than David Ortiz.

And speaking of Big Papi, he finally broke out of his homerless slump tonight by putting one over the wall in centerfield. So our boys will have him to worry about too. It wasn’t enough that they had Bay and Youkilis killing the ball, along with all the other real live threats in their lineup, Ellsbury, Drew, Lowell, et al.

Geez, maybe this isn’t the bottom after all. Maybe we won’t even take one game in Boston. Santana did get knocked around a bit in his last win. And Dice K, if he’s returning off the DL, has probably regained his form; otherwise, why bring him back?

Well, I guess it’s high time to look at the bright side. There must be a silver lining somewhere, or maybe just a copper lining. Church can’t be as bad as he looks, can he? He can only get better, going from horrible to mediocre would be nice.

And Daniel Murphy, judging by his debut at first base, really may have found his spot, which can only help him at the plate. Feeling comfortable is one of the keys to hitting. You have to be relaxed. You have to feel good about yourself, much as all those steroid abusers feel before crushing another dinger.

And Sheffield will be back Friday. He’ll make that lineup a little deeper. Reed really isn’t that bad. Ramon Martinez will have gotten that first game out of his system. That’ll give the Mets honest-to-God major leaguers at every position. Let’s not think about depth at this juncture.

And maybe after winning 11 in a row, maybe a huge swing back to the depths was in order with the universe.

But what happened to hitting the ball to the opposite field? Church NEVER tries it. Neither does Tatis. Neither does Castro. And they look foolish trying to pull outside pitches. They deserve benching, but the Mets can’t afford to bench anyone and still have major leaguers on the field.

But a change is needed. And not in management, in players on the field. I’ve seen enough of Church for sure. Dump him, just as he dumped the Mets the other night. I’m tired of seeing his sorry butt on the field, and even more tired of having people feel sorry for him. He’s a bad player. Get rid of him. Get another outfielder.

And while we’re at it, why not dump Schneider too? He obviously doesn’t play too much anyway. Sore fingernail, sore butt, give me a break. El Dumpo for him too. Undo that trade made for Lastings Milledge and LoDuca. Boy, do I ever miss LoDuca.

The good news, though, is that this can’t go on forever. And there are some good things happening in other sports. Hey, Orlando beat the Cavs in one hell of a Game 1. The Knicks and Nets will both get some pretty nice basketball players in the draft.

And if that’s not good enough for you, you can always check out Mark Sanchez in the latest GQ. WOOHOO!!